The low impact Olympics

Sir Clive Woodward is currently assembling a team of elite performers to represent the UK at the 2012 Olympics in London. Lord Coe has already done his bit by winning us the Games in the first place. A logo – of sorts – is in place and we have now seen the first artist’s impression of the main athletics stadium. Plus another artist’s impression of the additional cash we are going to have to pay for the privilege of staging the Games.
That’s assuming that they will actually happen, of course. There’s a long way still to go and the ElfinSafety industry has been strangely quiet so far. Do we really belive it will stay that way? Or is this a more likely scenario?.

It’s 2013 and, precisely a year late, the London Olympics are about to start. In the studios of the EBC (European Broadcasting Company), Natasha Kiplinski, Head of SportRecreation for the Western Offshore Europe (WOE) Region is about to talk to Radio SportActivity Reporter, Beryl Davies.
Natasha: And now, we’re going live to the Lea Valley Olympic Park to join Beryl Davies for the Plunging competition, the first event in these much-delayed Olympics. So, Beryl, a new date, a new event and, in many ways, a new look Olympics?
Beryl: That’s right Natasha – and welcome everyone to EBC’s live coverage of the new Olympic Plunging event.
As you say Natasha, the XXXth Olympiad is starting a year later than planned but, looking around this magnificent new Aquatics Centre, even the most cynical listener would agree that it has been well worth the wait. As…
Natasha: Beryl, for the sake of any new listeners not familiar with the delays perhaps you could bring us up to speed?
Beryl: I’ll do my best Natasha. It really started with the unfortunate incident at the Beijing Olympics.
Natasha: Wasn’t that when one of the Synchronised Diving judges suffered a heart attack?
Beryl: Yes. Two competitors in the Women’s Synchronised Diving competition collided in mid-air and one of them - a rather statuesque natural blonde as I recall - lost her swimming costume in mid-air and, well, it was all a bit too much for the poor Russian judge. His untimely demise brought the Games to a fairly abrupt end.
Natasha: And that’s when European Health & Safety Commissioner (EHSC) Blair stepped in?
Beryl: Yes, although the International Olympic Committee ordered an immediate investigation, Commissioner Blair insisted on a separate in-depth Risk Assessment of Synchronised Diving.
Natasha: It turned out to be one of the most exhaustive Risk Assessments in history didn’t it?
Beryl: Absolutely, Natasha. Blair widened the scope initially to all diving events and, then eventually, to all sports. Work on the London Games’ site was suspended pending the outcome of her investigations.
The exercise involved 1500 experts, cost €100 million and took 18 months to complete. Her report ran to 18,000 pages and its recommendations were implemented by the EU Federal Unification Commission (EUFUC) in the Spring of 2011. London started building again as soon as it received the All Clear..
Natasha; So, what impact has all this had on the Olympic events we’ll be watching today and for the rest of the week?
Beryl: Well, as you touched on in your introduction, Natasha, its impact has been significant – especially on the event we are about to see. Both the EHSC and the IOC agreed that diving head-first into a pool is, in itself, an inherently dangerous thing to do. Tossing in a few mid-air twists and turns, of course, just adds to the risk factor.
So, Commissioner Blair helped the IOC devise this new event of Plunging. It’s straightforward and much less risky.
Natasha: Diving was consigned to the Olympic history books along with other high-risk sports like hockey, football, wrestling, boxing, fencing, running and jumping?
Beryl: Precisely, Natasha. They have all being replaced by less dangerous versions. As European SportActivity Commissioner, Ed Balls, commented just the other day - and I quote - “While the SportActivity Commission remains committed to the Olympic ideal, it applauds Commissioner Blair for devising these low-impact activities. Requiring relatively few skills and low fitness levels, they deliver the prospect of Olympic participation to a wide prospective audience irrespective of race, gender, sexual orientation, educational attainment or background. Since most of them are designed to be carried out in the safety of the home, they also free up essential building land for desperately-needed new homes.”
Natasha: And who can argue with that? Well, thanks for putting us in the picture, so to speak, Beryl. How long before the Plunging competition begins?
Beryl: Almost immediately. In fact, it looks as if all three competitors are entering the Plunge Pool Hall now.
Natasha; There doesn’t seem to be much crowd reaction?
Beryl: There is an eerie silence but that’s probably because the spectators are watching from a special, glassed-in viewing enclosure. Some of the spectators, by the way, have complained that the protective ponchos and heavy-duty goggles they have to wear are a bit over the top, especially as they are 50 metres from the actual plunge pool.
Natasha: Well, it’s surely better for them to suffer a little discomfort now than go home later tonight with chlorine red eyes. Did you say there are only three competitors, by the way?
Beryl: Yes. Most of the poorer nations have withdrawn because they couldn’t afford the special safety flotation suit, emergency breathing apparatus and two EHSE-certified Plunging Assistants (PAs) per entrant that the new rules call for.
Still, on a brighter note, it does guarantee at least a bronze medal for Lliam Blunkett, who carries the hopes and wishes of all of us in Western Offshore Europe (WOE) on his broad, if slightly chubby, shoulders today.
Well, this is exciting; young Lliam has been nominated for the first Plunge of the competition. He’s walking forward now in the stooping, bow legged gait most plungers have adopted to stop their heavy duty flotation suits chafing their thighs. Liam’s Chief PA, Ken “Nobby” Clarke, is carrying an Emergency Flotation Device (EFD) which he is trained to inflate at the first sign of trouble in the water. The other PA carries a back-up flotation suit and EFD as well as a whistle and assortment of flares.
All three of them have now entered the Aquatic Recreation Safety Elevator, which will whisk them to the top of the High Plunging Platform. The boffins among you will be interested to know that the rate of ascent of the A.R.S.E. to the Plunging Platform has been carefully calculated to keep competitors’ pulse rates within the bounds specified by the EHSE SportRecreation Advisory Team (EHSEPRAT). No danger of minor myocardial infarctions here!
Well, Lliam’s now attached to his three point safety harness. His flotation suit is inflated and I think we are almost there. I should point out at this juncture that the safety harness is not a performance aid. Its only function is to keep the competitor vertical as he goes, feet first, into the Plunge pool. Marks are awarded for the speed of entry which tends to favour the more corpulent competitors, so young Lliam is definitely in with an excellent chance of gold or silver.
Right, you can almost taste the tension in the Aquatic Hall as Lliam reaches the lip of the Take-off Zone. He’s hovering on the brink, the harness is creaking. The crowd is hushed and there; he’s gone….
Oh! That’s horrible. Dreadful…It’s almost impossible to describe.
There’s no water. Poor Lliam has plunged straight into AN EMPTY POOL. Blood everywhere. Liam’s mother’s screaming. Two paramedics are trying to get to him. They’re being restrained by Health & Safety officials. There’s pandemonium in the hall….How could this happen? Where did ….
Natasha: Beryl, apparently the Plunge pool is empty for safety reasons. Last night a team from the UK Region Health &Safety Executive made a spot-check on the pool and found it had been left with more than 4 metres of water in it. Concerned that anyone breaking into the hall could fall in and drown, they ordered the pool drained, intending to get it refilled this morning.
On the way here, a security camera caught the team’s car exceeding the 20 KPH limit. They were taken into custody and had their biometric details checked. And, that’s where the problems began, I’m afraid. According to an official spokesperson, the driver recently lost an eye in a raid on an unlicensed pole-dancing club – something to do with an exotic dancer and a cocktail twizzler apparently - and had an artificial eye fitted as a temporary measure. The newly-introduced FaceReader Biometrics software couldn’t verify his identity so the police had no option but to detain him under the Prevention of Terrorism Act (London 2013).
By the time they finally managed to fetch the driver’s mum to identify him the Plunging competition had begun…and, well, you know the rest.…